For a while now, I haven’t wanted to talk about any of this. I want the focus to be on Kimmy’s life, not on her death. And her life was filled with so many good and happy things, so much beauty and light.
But her life also contained difficult things. Ups and downs. Things she didn’t choose. Other people’s choices. Genetics. Chemistry. Sometimes long days of darkness, and struggling to feel the light again. None of this was her fault or her choice. And the last couple of weeks of her life, a medication change that I’m sure impacted her. I wish that both she and I had been more aware of how much.
I almost titled this post “opposition.” True – this is more than simple “opposition.” Just because you are beautiful and brilliant and sweet and kind and creative and energetic and talented and work so hard to be successful and take care of people, to be a good person, to be happy – does not mean that you must therefore be compelled to endure moments of eternal darkness and pain where your brain feels fuzzy and your soul hurts, moments that make no sense from the outside, depths that become so deep you feel you will never see the light of day again – in order to balance the scale. Nor does it earn you even just a long streak of endlessly dull, gray days even in the middle of everything in the world to feel happy about.
But I also didn’t want to give this post a horrible title. Depression is what it is. It is unique for everyone. So is anxiety. Sometimes they go together, like they did for Kimberly. Sometimes they do not.
In the end, I simply called it “A Post for Parents” because I think that is most relevant, although anyone can gain empathy from it, if not understanding. I have an idea of how this feels, and I hope my daughter felt like I understood better than the “mother”in this clip. However, I wish that I could go back and understand more, talk to her more deeply and more seriously, stop trying to fix it and just listen, realize how intensely powerfully it held her and how very much she was struggling in some moments, and do whatever it took to hold onto her.
That is why I’m posting this. There is tremendous awareness in this, and where there is awareness there is empowerment. If you have children, I hope you watch it. Now. While they’re here.
I can’t begrudge my daughter her place in heaven – her peace, her freedom, her healing, her love, her beautiful angel light. But I certainly do miss her.
Sabrina Benaim – "Explaining My Depression to My Mother"Get Sabrina's book here: http://bit.ly/sabrinamagicemd
Posted by Button Poetry on Friday, May 19, 2017